Carolyn Hax: Husband wants access to in-laws and their lavish gifts

Adapted from an online discussion.

Dear Carolyn: When we got engaged, my husband made it clear to my family that he wasn’t interested in a relationship with them. He told me right out that he had better things to do with his limited leisure time than spend it with people he didn’t connect with.

I chalked it up to the fact that he’s not close with his own family. I actually make more of an effort with his parents and sister than he does. He has many good qualities, and he never objects to me spending time with my family, so we’ve had a very happy marriage for the past four years.

Last year, my sister married “Bob,” who immediately connected with my whole family. He spends a lot of time with my dad, because they both love motorcycles. A few weeks ago, my parents got Bob an expensive motorcycle for his birthday, and they’re taking my sister and Bob to St. Barts with them later this year.

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After he found out, my husband started making nonstop comments about my parents never doing anything like that for him. I said he can’t be mad now since my family tried years ago and he rejected them. He didn’t have an answer at the time, but now he’s blaming me, saying I should have told them that he has social anxiety, especially around people with money, because he wasn’t brought up like that. This is all news to me. My husband’s millionaire boss is his best friend, and I don’t know where this social anxiety thing came from, because he’s way more extroverted than I am.

Yesterday, he gave me an assignment, like I’m one of his direct reports, to formulate a plan to get him back into my family. When I said I didn’t think they’d be interested after all this time, he started nagging me that I didn’t even try. Should I just ask my family to give him a second chance? I’m afraid it’s going to look like he just wants expensive stuff like they’re giving Bob.

— Anonymous

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Anonymous: You’re afraid it’s going to look like exactly what it is?

I am finding it hard to find redeeming things about your husband based on your description. He sounds selfish and controlling and now, as exposed by his Bob envy, greedy as hell.

Lines are open for the next hour if you’d like to write back with great reasons to be in this marriage.

Readers’ thoughts:

· Holy gaslighting! Do you recognize this? I have Carolyn to thank for teaching me all about gaslighting, and this is a textbook case. Please get yourself some therapy and probably a good lawyer, because all you need to do for your husband is divorce him.

· Unilaterally opting out because he just doesn’t want to bother? I’d be wondering what other people and things that are important to me he’s going to want to just not bother with as time goes on.

He may be shy or have social anxiety — but that doesn’t get him out of at least showing a passing interest in other people or in things that may be important to his life partner.

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